Dating From The Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart
By: Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman
Published by: Atria Books
It was always my dream to be a published author, so I was overjoyed when my first book was published by Cynthia Black of Beyond Word Publishing and Atria Books (a division of Simon & Schuster). It was a wonderful experience to work with that team of people, all of whom are spiritually minded and intent on making this world a better place. 2008 was a very good year. I had just married my soulmate the previous year, my first book was published around Valentine’s Day and our son was born in June of 2008. I will always thank Cynthia Black for making my dream of becoming a published author come true!
So, book #1 of this 22 book countdown is from the Atria family and is not from Parachute Jump Publishing, but it still counts in this legacy. I will post a description, some reviews and a book trailer below.
I wrote this book to help singles get out of their own way in finding love. In Dating from the Inside Out I describe how we create our own love psychology through our thoughts, beliefs, history, emotions and actions. We can become more conscious about what is no longer serving us and create a new vision that will attract the love we want. This book presents exercises and case examples to help you do so.
Reviews for Dating From the Inside Out
FEBRUARY 2008 BOOKPAGE www.bookpage.com 20
Looking for love?
New books uncover the secrets of romance
By Katherine Wyrick
Love is in the air—and on the page—at this time of year. Whether you’re searching for that soul mate or you’ve already found one, we’ve got a book for you. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a dating expert and psychologist with a holistic approach to finding a mate. In her practice, she noticed that her clients’ negative thoughts were actually driving away the partners they desired. Therein lies the genesis of Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart (Atria, $14.95,192 pages, ISBN 9781582701943). In this guide, Sherman claims that the pathway to an enduring, fulfilling relationship begins with “setting clear intentions for love, and learning to be the partner they wish to attract.” It’s no secret, Sherman insists, that if you live consciously, love will follow. Meaning, know thyself and love thyself before you ask someone else’s self to do the same. Anyone who’s heard of that not-so-secret book the Secret will find themselves on familiar terrain here.
“Dating From the Inside Out is a rare combination of sophisticated psychology, humanistic spirituality, and practical instruction for those seeking fulfillment in partnership. The wonderful surprise about Dr. Sherman’s book is that it’s not just for singles! It is equally a welcome refresher course for those looking to reinvigorate their relationships by creating new communication patterns that support loving and healthful interactions.”—
Dr. Faith Bethelard, coauthor of Cherishment: A Psychology of the Heart
“In a world immersed in match.com, J-Date, and a host of other attempts at liaisons, Dr. Paulette Sherman brings us a book which addresses intimacy and passion, as well as self-knowledge. It’s a wonderful resource for therapists who continue to meet clients with a genuine desire for relationships with a future. Our writer is a woman of integrity and insight. Her words are those of a mature writer; her spirit of enthusiasm and hope not just enlighten, but envision a better future for the reader. This writer and her fine book have my enthusiastic endorsement.”—
Bruce Lackie, Ph.D., Director of The Black Rock Center for Psychotrauma
“Dr. Sherman has produced an extremely well written, lucid manual that really goes beyond dating, to living in general. Using her own experiences and those of her clients, she has produced a roadmap that is easy to follow and which, if followed, should lead to a great deal of satisfaction in finding people with whom to be happy. She has translated important concepts from her experience as a therapist and as a dating coach into everyday language that is easy to understand.”—
Dr. Robert Myers, ABPP, psychologist and professor of psychology at the Institute of Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University
“This book distills the wisdom of a hundred years of psychology to its most essential and practical basics: Understand your past to better control your dating future. Its techniques are clear, sensible, and revealing.” –
Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D., author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers
“Dating From the Inside Out” is insightful, focused, personal and enlightening. Best described, this primer on self-awareness is a starting point in a journey of a lifetime. Through inspirational activities and creative strategies Dr. Sherman skillfully leads the reader into a journey of self-exploration. “Dating From the Inside Out’” sends the compelling message you must first be happy with who YOU are before You can share your heart.”-
Tara Saltzman, PH.D., Executive Dean of Strategic Initiatives & Global Enterprise for Academic Development at Nova Southeastern University.
“Used in conjunction with traditional psychotherapy, Dr. Sherman’s book provides a useful tool for those ready to embrace a satisfying and lasting relationship. A creative approach to dating that’s definitely worth a look.”-
Mona Daniels, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist
“Dr. Sherman’s dating approach takes you into your heart so you can love more fully and attract the mate of your dreams.”-
Cindy Ross, single CFO
Dr. Sherman’s methods have worked for her clients and even herself. Now with her help, find the perfect match for you!
Each of us deserves to love and be loved in return. How can you find real, deep, and lasting love in a world that appears so superficial? Rather than looking at the world of dating like an obstacle course to be conquered, Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman shows that it can become an enlightening journey toward love that begins from within. By examining past experiences, understanding family dynamics, and exploring the place of spiritual connection in the dating world, Dr. Sherman illuminates the path to self-awareness — the path that leads to the kind of real love you have been searching for. Finding your dating style and the set of beliefs you hold about your self-worth liberates you from just spinning your wheels and repeating mistakes. Dr. Sherman shows how we can become the partner we wish to attract, and asserts that anyone can learn how to truly let go of their past, embrace the present, and use the Law of Attraction to draw in a partner who is perfect for who you are — without pretending to be someone you’re not.
(excerpt from Publishers Weekly)
Live Long and Prosper
Where are abundance books headed in the post-Secret era?
by Lauren F. Winner — Publishers Weekly, 8/13/2007
Suggest prosperity to yourself. See yourself in a prosperous condition. Affirm that you will before long be in a prosperous condition. Affirm it calmly and quietly, but strongly and confidently…. Expect it—keep it continually watered with expectation. You thus make yourself a magnet to attract the things that you desire.”
That paragraph is not an excerpt from Rhonda Byrne’s blockbuster The Secret. It’s a snippet from Ralph Waldo Trine’s In Tune with the Infinite: Or, Fullness of Peace, Power, and Plenty, which was published in 1897.
Books yoking spiritual concerns to the pursuit of prosperity are nothing new. As Joel Fotinos, v-p and publisher of Penguin/Tarcher, notes, “People are perennially interested in how they can be both spiritual and prosperous.” But every few years a book comes along that recalibrates things for publishers interested in spirituality and prosperity. (Remember The Prayer of Jabez ?) Today’s book, undeniably, is The Secret. What can we expect from the spiritual prosperity genre in the post-Secret era?
Cynthia Black, president and editor-in-chief of Beyond Words Publishing, who acquired the book, says that readers are inspired by The Secret in part because Byrne “presented things in an emotional way that touched people’s hearts. But now people are looking for more concrete ways” to apply the secrets of The Secret, so Black is bringing out books with a more practical edge: Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Laws of Attraction in Matters of the Heart by Paulette Sherman (Feb. 2008) teaches romantic readers how to attract a different kind of person, and True Self True Wealth: A Pathway to Prosperity by Peter Hays Cole and Daisy Reese (Oct.) helps readers identify the financial messages they inherited from their family, and get their financial house in order. Jill Kramer, editorial director of Hay House—which publishes Esther and Jerry Hicks’s popular books, including the forthcoming Money and the Law of Attraction (Mar. 2008)—says that people have flocked to The Secret in part because of its simplicity: “People want books that offer them something they can do very simply. This is something you can do in your own mind. You don’t have to go anywhere or attend a seminar.”
5 Stars! – Dating from the Inside Out, by Paulette Kouffman Sherman, is all about making sure YOU are ready to date before you head out there and attempt it. Its core message is that you need to be at least reasonably happy and content with yourself if you’re going to have dates work out well.
Think of it in this way. If you went out on a date with someone and they were mopey, grumpy and self-bashing all evening long, you probably wouldn’t want to go on a second date with them, right? If on the other hand they were happy, fun to talk with and friendly to people around them, you would be quite interested in a second date. This is true for pretty much everybody. We want to be with people who are happy. So in order to succeed on dates (and in life!!) we need to be happy. That doesn’t mean we have to find someone TO make us happy. Rather, we need to BE happy and then we will find someone who will enjoy sharing that happy life.
So Paulette’s book goes step by step about how to build up your self esteem and escape from bad habits which have made you unhappy in the past. She suggests you start journaling, to keep track of your progress and watch out for problems. Programming that you’ve built up for years can be very hard to change – but it CAN be done. If your family teased you for your entire childhood about being heavy, it can be very hard to accept yourself as an adult. It really can be done though.
She brings up many good points that are important to take to heart. For example, if you rant to your friends all the time that men are all losers, you probably will end up dating losers. It’s the way the human brain works. Bikers tell you all the time that if you stare at a wall as you go around the curve, focusing on it and worrying about hitting it, you are likely to hit it. What you focus on is what you tend to go towards. If on the other hand you focus on the road ahead, and focus on following the road, that is where you tend to go. Rather than concentrating on the negative, and complaining / focusing on the negative, you have to focus on what you want. Build up friends who have happy relationships, talk about happy relationships, and get into situations where happy people are. You will then find yourself in a happy relationship!
It’s not easy, if you’ve gotten into the habit of bashing others or ending up with negative people. Paulette talks about an experiment where rats were put into a sealed cage and then cheese was shown to them. The rats kept jumping for the cheese but could not get to it. They finally gave up. Later even when they were out of the cage, they would not jump for the cheese. They had gotten too frustrated. Humans are like this too – they will give up after a while. Don’t give up. Reset your mind to be positive, and focus on that.
Paulette points out that people dedicate a lot of time, money and energy to finding a job. They perfect their resume, spend months searching for the job and make sure they have made the right decision. But then these people might put no effort at all into finding a mate – they just want someone to “appear”. Finding a great mate is far more important than finding a job. Put the same effort into researching your own needs and desires, making yourself as happy as possible, finding peace in your own world and then putting yourself into situations where people with common interests will be.
The key again is that you need to BE happy, honestly, for this to work. Yes, we all have issues that we want to work on. We want to be thinner or a better cook or whatever. You can’t expect your partner to “fix” you, to validate you, to fix your problems. It is important for you to work on being happy with you and being the best you that you can be. You want to have positive, encouraging friends around you – but you also want to be happy being on your own too. Both are very important to being well rounded.
I like the idea of creating a “marriage ceremony” for yourself – to dedicate yourself to taking good care of yourself. We have many ceremonies in life – graduating from school, getting married, having a baby – but we don’t have a ceremony really for “being an adult” and resolving to take good care of yourself. We really should. This is one of the most important things any person can do. It is really hard to care properly for others if you’re not taking good care of yourself in the first place.
So with all of this great advice, are there any issues in the book? I did find a few things that struck me as odd. Paulette wants you to call up your exs and rant or yell or talk to them, to clear your mind. That seems REALLY unfair to me. Write them a letter maybe – that way they can open it or not. I don’t think it’s fair or healthy to force another human being to sit there and listen to your anger or sadness or whatever just because you feel like venting.
The book is very heavily leant towards women reading it. It does occasionally talk about men, but most of the examples are women, most of the references are about women. The family section talks about relating to dad – not to mom.
The book likes to drive you to therapy (or to signing up for her online classes). In one example there is a series of questions along the lines of “any man would be lucky to have me!” If you cannot say YES to 8 out of 10 of these questions, you should look into therapy. I don’t think so! I don’t *agree* that any man would be lucky to have a given woman. I think that for each person there is a *group* of partners that would work really well – but there is also a group of partners who would NOT work well.
Plus, in the dating in midlife section, it says a key benefit is that you “always wanted to be Mrs. Robinson”. What?
Still, the core message here is very meaningful. Dating isn’t about tricking another person into liking you. It is about being honestly content with what you are, and drawing in – naturally – people who want to be with you. I have really seen this approach work with so many of my friends. It works. It can be hard, yes! Many of us have self esteem issues. But if you take the time and energy to work on them, you will find that wonderful dating partners will follow quite naturally.
-Lisa Shea (Amazon Reviewer)
2009 COVR Visionary Award Finalist in the category of Conscious Living/Self-Help.
London Book Festival’s Honorable Mention Award (2009) in the category of Self-Help.
Winner of the ‘National Best Books Award for 2008,’ in the Self-Help/Relationships category, sponsored by USA Books
PUBLISHED IN FRENCH AND GERMAN:
A LABOR OF LOVE: